Rules of Napping

Have you ever watched those "prepping" shows? The ones where the goony looking couple wear gas masks to bed and drink their own urine? Those reality TV shows that promote camo, ammo and Spam-Oh? Well, I'm all for emergency preparedness. No one likes the thought of being caught off guard, no matter how minor the danger. That's why I'm gearing up for next Monday.

What? You don't know about National Napping Day? Get with the program, people!

Sunday Daylight  Savings Time goes into effect. Napping Day provides an opportunity to adjust after changes to daylight savings when losing an hour of sleep due to ‘springing forward’. Or for my sister Linda and I, it's just one more excuse to roll into a fetal position on a soft bed and sleep while the sun is still shining. And, boy, oh, boy - are we good at it!
However, we take serious offense to the term "taking a nap". We don't take it, for heavens sake! It's not like we're stealing it or anything! A good nap just falls upon you like a shadow. It seduces you. It slowly and sweetly hypnotizes you into an afternoon dreamy land.
Take my word for it, Linda and I have been avid promoters of naptime since we were wee ones. And, by golly, we are pretty good at it. We have almost perfected it to an art.
First of all, laying your head on the kitchen table for ten minutes is NOT a nap. It's a wimpy option that is both unsatisfactory and possibly medically unsafe. Naps are meant to be enjoyed on a soft surface, preferably a bed, but we've found that a comfy couch is sometimes as good, if not better, as long as it is equipped with napping paraphernalia.
To help out all you non-nappers, I'm here to help you prepare. First off, one must outfit a Nap Nest with several essentials:

1. A crisp clean sheet or a soft comforter, depending on the season
2. Your favorite pillow or Pillow Pet
3. A phone within reach
4. An empty bladder
5. No distractions
6. No alarm clocks
7. No guilt

To further explain number 7, guilt is detrimental to the entire napping process. Feeling guilty about partaking in a rejuvenation of the spirit not only represents a sensation of intrapsychic tension, but is
sometimes linked to apprehension of a catastrophic threat to oneself.

In other words... it's not good.

Naps must be experienced with total surrender. You must always release any nagging thoughts and worries if you are to take full advantage of the healing powers of daytime sleep. It's a proven fact.

Naps should almost always have no time limits forced upon them. However, should your children need to be picked up from school or a burning roast removed from the oven, then, by all means, it is appropriate to curtail the nap, but only occasionally. Repeated infractions of rule number 6 above not only threaten your sleep health, but are also hurtful to your positive well-being.

Another very, very important fact about napping is-  that once it is complete and you are fully awake, your body must ingest some type of nutrients. Preferably home baked cookies, but salty snacks are also allowed. As with other napping rules, this will not, in any way whatsoever, spoil your dinner.

So, come Monday, I will be prepared. No gas mask, no puking up pee or slicing Spam- just falling into a gentle slumber of a heavenly nap.

Wake me up when the cookies are ready.